you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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