So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
please don't ironically join a cult
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