I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
