My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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