I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
