I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
