I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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