So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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