awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
