I accidentally burped into my bong.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We need to get me chipped asap
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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