a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
