Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
