so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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