worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
