dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
