and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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