so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize