your parents love me but you hate me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
