I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
