I puked a lego.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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