i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish there were birth control emojis
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
