were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
