hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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