The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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