I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
