i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
