PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
