The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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