I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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