Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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