Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
