I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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