So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
