Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
All I want is dick and wine.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
