Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
