my mouth tastes like poor choices
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
