Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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