Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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