i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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