It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
