I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize