I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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