i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
