dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
