I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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