i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
