there's paper in my vomit.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
