So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
