I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
