How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
