Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
And then he peed in my hair
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