He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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