I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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