Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
