Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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