Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
