His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
