I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
