I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you inspire me to be a worse person
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
