he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
