I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
